learning and laziness

I'm such a loser sometimes. There are so many things that I want to learn, but I've been so damn lazy my entire life. That's not true entirely, it's just that a lot of things came easy to me in school early on, and I got used to doing well without doing any work. But life isn't like that. To accomplish anything that is really important and meaningful you have to work your ass off. Effort. A simple thing really. A thing in theory I'm not afraid of, but I create all manner of distractions and delusions to keep myself from actually sitting down and practicing flute or studying herbs, or doing anything that will get me anywhere I want to go.

Ani DiFranco has a lyric: "I wonder if everything I do, I do instead of something I want to do more....this question fills my head..."

Mine too.

When did we stop dancing?

Friday night I went to the Irish dancing at Lincoln Center's Midsummer Night Swing. It was, as usual, awesome. At one point during the evening my partner left the floor to get some water, and I stayed on, watching my other two friends and the rest of the people dance. The band had taken a break from the reels and jigs to play a simple waltz and the Irish Sets broke up into pairs of people doing their own little thing. I stood, by myself, watching all the happy couples. Friends, lovers, husbands and wives, sisters, parents, and children. All of them dancing together. I saw a man with a blue mohawk waltzing with an average looking woman. There were barefoot teenagers and foreign grandfathers. I looked around at everyone and it occurred to me that no matter who these people were, where they came from or where they were going, they all were there to have a little fun, dance and celebrate life, for just a few hours on a Friday night, to laugh and be outdoors and not be bogged down by the oppressivness that life too often becomes. It reminded me of tribal times, when all people had to do was find food and shelter to survive, and live their lives. When did we forget that life is meant to live, to enjoy? When did we stop dancing?

At one point, my dear friend 'Arthorus' pulled me in to make a trio with him and another friend of ours, but I pulled back and let them dance normally, without me. The other friend turned to me and said "You look so lonely!" To which I replied: "How could I be lonely?"

I've learned something recently about life and love. I am not alone. I have so many dear friends who are all soulmates to me. It is them I turn to, them I need. I truly can never be lonely again, because I've acknowledged the love I have for them, and the bond we share, and that is something that will never die.

The next night a friend of mine got tickets for De La Guarda. It was FANTASTIC!! In this too, at one point, there was dancing...and it was very real and very alive. Everyone should go see this show, it was very powerful. At least, IMHO. My friend did not get as much out of it as I did. But if you are passionate, if you like drums, if you like thunderstorms...then you'll like De La Guarda.

Dancing always makes me feel alive. It inspires me. I think everyone should dance more, I think if we did, there would be less wars.

secrets

When I was younger I had an inherent ability to keep secrets. This is something that has stayed with me throughout my life. I can always be trusted to keep a secret. I pride myself on this ability because it makes me trustworthy, and that is a trait I value highly. There is also the allure of the mysterious that keeping secrets has. I remember a time in pre-school when some fellow 4-year-old or whatever asked me how I intended to do something, and I replied (in the most mysterious of ways that a 4-year-old could have) "I have my ways..." Unfortunately, I remember the response I got to this statement was more of a laughing and mocking than the desired sense of awe and power. But ah well...what do 4-year-olds know?
There is something to secrets, however. Something necessary in them, for the soul. The book Anam Cara by John O'Donohue has a section about this which I agree with completely, if anyone cares to check it out. Basically, a secret keeps something sacred. There is power to a knowledge kept secret. It demands a certain respect. In recent years my ability to keep secrets for myself has failed me. I never stopped being able to keep others' secrets, but I seemed to lost the ability or desire to keep any of my own. I am by nature a very trusting and open person I think, but I let that get to an extreme where I was ready and willing to tell any passing person my entire life story. "I have no secrets, nothing to hide." seemed to be my attitude. But I did not realize the importance of secrets. Being honest is one thing, being open another. But revealing the depths of my soul to any passer-by is by far a different thing entirely, comparable to the bible analogy of throwing pearls at swine. Because something I might consider important when let out into the open, for all to stare at and comment on, often times would appear not-so-special anymore, as it suffered the weathering of being exposed to the critical, mundane attitude of the world at large.

It seems lately I have started to collect secrets again. Unfortunately not all of them are happy ones. Some of them are things which I am saddened by, things I wish were not true, but that I cannot change. There are a few close friends who I will share these with, but I am keeping them secret. Others I am happy about, very happy about, but I am not sure of their effect on other parts of my life or what they mean, so I choose to keep them secret as well. The trick to keeping secrets, for me, is maintaing a balance of honesty and secrecy. I do not condone lying, I hate it with a passion, in fact. I feel lying is a waste of time and energy and makes everything worse for all involved parties. But there are degrees and lines, and they seem to always be in flux. It is quite possible to never tell a lie and yet deceive a person completely and cruely...as Robert Jordan illustrates so well with his Aes Sedai in the Wheel of Time series.

I have 3 rules I live by that I have developed over time: 1. Follow your heart. 2. Respect others. 3. Have Faith. I think the lack of respect for each other has reached a terrible point in American society especially and I think it at least partially the cause of so many problems from relationships to the failing economy.

Some of my secrets I have to share out of respect to others, and this will be difficult, but I am no longer going to share my every experience with all manner of aquaintances. There is something refreshing in this. Allowing part of my soul to find rest in the darkness again, without the harsh glare of exposure. One side of the earth, one side of the moon is always in darkness, it has to be this way. My religion follows nature because that is the closest we can be to Truth. Everything has a dark side, and to deprive oneself of this can only be destructive.

Focus

Lately I'm beginning to realize the immense importance of the ability to focus. To stay centered on any one task at a time, to remember what you're doing and why you're doing it. I don't know how many times I am at work, or wherever thinking of all the million things I have to do and feeling very inspired and energized to do all of those things. Then the moment I get home somehow everything gets fuzzy...Or if the inspiration comes at night, by the time I wake up in the morning I've forgotten everything...why did I want to wake up early? Where is this motivation I felt not so long ago? Why do I want to live again? It's not like I just have a bad memory, cuz I can make lists and whatever...it's like I forget the point...I lose sight of the goal, I forget why I cared in the first place. Now, I always remember after some time...but it's like I can't keep the ball rolling, I keep hitting little speedbumps along the way and I come to a dead stop, and find myself staring off into the distance for hours, with nothing but an undefineable question floating around in my brain...

Born to be Wild

This morning I started a new job...I'm a massage therapist, so a new job for me means just one more place I work at to try and pay the rent...this would be the fourth different place, working for a chiropractor, once a week, and (here's the exciting part) getting paid per hour whether or not I have patients. So I drive the 15 minutes, find parking, then go to the office...I meet the doc, and he starts explaining how "he isn't sure how this is going to work..." I guess he's not as busy as he thought he was going to be. No problem...he said we'll try it for a few weeks and see what happens. But he also explained to me how the Physical Therapist seemed to be working out better for his purposes since she can do other doctor-type related stuff, like set up patients for whatever. Anyway...me and the PT go into this room and hang out for a few minutes, then she gets called to do an errand...2 minutes later the doc comes in, hands me a fifty dollar bill and tells me I can go home, and if he needs me in the future he'll give me a call. Woo hoo! So basically I made 10 bucks a minute this morning...too bad it couldn't last...

Having been released from my morning obligation I was able to call my other two places of work to tell one I could come in early as requested, and the other that I could cover if anyone wanted a massage since the other therapist called in sick. Then I went home to clean out my car, and up my house. This weekend some friends and I are planning a roadtrip up to visit another friend upstate. The actual of number of people going has been in constant flux since we thought of the idea 3 weeks ago. As of this morning..there were only four of us, but after meeting with a friend for lunch and telling him certain people were not coming as expected, he was reconsidering his own attendence for the adventure...

Meanwhile I go to work and have a lovely time...

On the way home I'm blasting my music, dancin' in the car, window rolled down, in my own happy world, singing along. In the back of my mind I think to myself..."something feels weird about my car." but I pay it no mind cuz the radio starts singing..."get your motor runnin'....head out on the highway..." And I start screaming my lungs out. I'm almost home and "Moondance" come on so I drive around singing, looking for a parking space, then finally find one and park the car...I put on my Club, get out of the car, and then the asian man standing nearby watering his lawn goes to me, "Miss...you have a flat tire...." What?? I had no idea!! I can be such an idiot sometimes.. So it's almost 9pm, almost dark and I have to change this tire before I can't see anymore. My roomate was kind enough to interrupt his laundry doing to help...both of us never having actually changed a tire before. I have changed my brakes though, which is almost the same, but not by myself. Anyhow...we manage to pull it off in time for him to get back to his clothes, but I'm left with the dilemma of not being able to drive upstate w/ a donut for a tire.

I was beginning to think the whole trip was getting called off due to unforeseen circumstance...then I called my friend.
It seems somehow, during the 7 hours or so since I last saw him, he managed to rally the troops and change the minds of the stubborn and get another 4 "maybe's" for the roadtrip...so now we'll probably have a total of 8 people for the trip...but maybe no car. I told my friend about my incident w/the road and we both just had to laugh...lookin' up at the sky...wondering...wherever *they* may be.., the ones who orchestrate this whole bunch of nonesense that becomes our lives..."cute, very cute universe...we get it...very funny."

So tomorrow morning I must get a new tire, or get my old one fixed, besides the million other errands I am supposed to do before work, and get everything in order for the trip. I'm sure I'll get it all done...but never a dull moment...the adventure has begun before we've even got the motor running...