secrets

When I was younger I had an inherent ability to keep secrets. This is something that has stayed with me throughout my life. I can always be trusted to keep a secret. I pride myself on this ability because it makes me trustworthy, and that is a trait I value highly. There is also the allure of the mysterious that keeping secrets has. I remember a time in pre-school when some fellow 4-year-old or whatever asked me how I intended to do something, and I replied (in the most mysterious of ways that a 4-year-old could have) "I have my ways..." Unfortunately, I remember the response I got to this statement was more of a laughing and mocking than the desired sense of awe and power. But ah well...what do 4-year-olds know?
There is something to secrets, however. Something necessary in them, for the soul. The book Anam Cara by John O'Donohue has a section about this which I agree with completely, if anyone cares to check it out. Basically, a secret keeps something sacred. There is power to a knowledge kept secret. It demands a certain respect. In recent years my ability to keep secrets for myself has failed me. I never stopped being able to keep others' secrets, but I seemed to lost the ability or desire to keep any of my own. I am by nature a very trusting and open person I think, but I let that get to an extreme where I was ready and willing to tell any passing person my entire life story. "I have no secrets, nothing to hide." seemed to be my attitude. But I did not realize the importance of secrets. Being honest is one thing, being open another. But revealing the depths of my soul to any passer-by is by far a different thing entirely, comparable to the bible analogy of throwing pearls at swine. Because something I might consider important when let out into the open, for all to stare at and comment on, often times would appear not-so-special anymore, as it suffered the weathering of being exposed to the critical, mundane attitude of the world at large.

It seems lately I have started to collect secrets again. Unfortunately not all of them are happy ones. Some of them are things which I am saddened by, things I wish were not true, but that I cannot change. There are a few close friends who I will share these with, but I am keeping them secret. Others I am happy about, very happy about, but I am not sure of their effect on other parts of my life or what they mean, so I choose to keep them secret as well. The trick to keeping secrets, for me, is maintaing a balance of honesty and secrecy. I do not condone lying, I hate it with a passion, in fact. I feel lying is a waste of time and energy and makes everything worse for all involved parties. But there are degrees and lines, and they seem to always be in flux. It is quite possible to never tell a lie and yet deceive a person completely and cruely...as Robert Jordan illustrates so well with his Aes Sedai in the Wheel of Time series.

I have 3 rules I live by that I have developed over time: 1. Follow your heart. 2. Respect others. 3. Have Faith. I think the lack of respect for each other has reached a terrible point in American society especially and I think it at least partially the cause of so many problems from relationships to the failing economy.

Some of my secrets I have to share out of respect to others, and this will be difficult, but I am no longer going to share my every experience with all manner of aquaintances. There is something refreshing in this. Allowing part of my soul to find rest in the darkness again, without the harsh glare of exposure. One side of the earth, one side of the moon is always in darkness, it has to be this way. My religion follows nature because that is the closest we can be to Truth. Everything has a dark side, and to deprive oneself of this can only be destructive.